we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
i got excepted to unl lol
You mean "accepted".
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
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Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
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My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
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