He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
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