Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
It's one of the reasons i'm here, along with emotional support, physical support if you need it, and power orgasms.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
I can't put those talents on a resume
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
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