i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
