Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
I wonder if i passed any courses from last semester
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
