i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
Randomize
