I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
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