I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Randomize
