I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
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Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
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I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
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