how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
Yep and i guess after he came back from that he sat down next to me and i just put my hand right on his penis just casually like it was his leg
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
Is it ok to bone a former patient who is also a client? Since it is two negatives does that cancel and become a positive?
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
Randomize
