Pregnant stripper...not hot.
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
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