My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
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