Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
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