Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
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