I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
Randomize
