yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
I think i sorta joined a cult last night
Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
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