you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
Randomize
