Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
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