Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
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