"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
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