Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Randomize
