My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
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