Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
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