I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
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