i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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