ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
whatever. i fb stalked him and his pic comments are witty. so i'm going for it.
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
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