I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
There aren't nearly as many guys masturbating on chatroulette as i was led to believe...i feel cheated
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
