everytime i listen to a chris brown song and like it i feel like i bad person
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Randomize
