I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
