If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
Its your turn to fuck our RA next time she threatens us with an underage.
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
