fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
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