You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
You're earring is so big in my mouth
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
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