Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Randomize
