I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
Randomize
