i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Randomize
