I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
Randomize
