I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
he called me a worthless slut and then went 2 the bathroom 2 pee on the floor before leavin. but he was really hot and he left his jacket, should i call him?
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
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I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
This may be a weird question to ask someone who is 21 years old, but are you grounded?
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I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
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