I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
I need to sanitize my soul.
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Randomize
