I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Randomize
