It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Randomize
