i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
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