my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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