is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Randomize
