we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
Randomize
