We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Randomize
