I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
Don't make out with my wife yet
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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