I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
maybe all of them together would equal one normal sized dick.
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Randomize
