I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
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