What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
Randomize
