my room smells like sperm. sweet.
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
