Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
why is there a picture of someone wearing Tevas with socks taped on the wall?
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
Wait, there's no way I said I would suck his dick. I know drunk Katie.
No, you told him to suck YOUR dick.
See now that sounds like drunk Katie.
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
Randomize
