Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
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