You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Randomize
