..well, okay, so long as I don't have to wear an apron or vaccum in high heels.
nope just do me i'm drunk and easy to plz
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
There's a guy in a life size dick costume, and two guys with white shirts that are each half if a pair of breasts in a red bra lol. They came separate but when they saw each other there was some titty fucking in the street, it's only 11
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
