omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
Eventually the creepy theater major quirks will come out. Probably in bed. Like role playing as the Phantom of the Opera
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
Randomize
