Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Pooping to opera.
Randomize
