Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
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