I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
all the douches that like ed hardy are the same douches that were obsessed with lisa frank
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
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