She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
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